sexual frsutrations

I've written a few times about how men and women are separated around here. After observing the customs very closely, I'm not sure who has it worse. Take last night's dinner for example.

The Math(s) department had a gathering of about 15 people to go to some swanky hotel called the raintree. To be fair, this is a really nice hotel, and I'd gladly stay in it any night someone is willing to rent a room! They even had a decent bar, several excellent scotches and believe it or not FOUR BEERS to choose from. They also had wine, which is a first for me in Chennai. I have not seen a single drop of wine anywhere until last night. Of course, dinner was provided, but we each had to buy our own alcohol. This included me ordering a "pint" which meant a 12 oz bottle. I told the waiter I'd ordered a pint and he brought me a 650 ml bottle. This is ALSO NOT A PINT. A pint is universal speak for 500mL not 375, not 650. Oh well, I'll enjoy my extra 150ml of crappy beer. All this is totally beside the point. I'm just still very bitter about the whole alcohol situation here.

Here's the point I was starting to make. Last night I was sitting around a big table mostly full of grad students. There were 7 men and 3 women. I sat down in a random chair and after realizing the tv was behind me there was some shuffling of chairs so that some of the male grad students could watch tv. I ended up sitting between two of the women and the third two seats away from me. I was definitely the outsider. I felt like going and eating with the chinese business men sitting at a table behind us. In any case, it's not appropriate for men and women to shake hands. I sat there and made a little small talk with the people sitting near me. Then I started talking about my hilarious view of India vs. America. I guess I mentioned some taboos or something. I started talking about how guns are not such a big deal here referencing the bb guns, but how I was amused that the levels of "alcoholism" are a) don't drink b) you're a full-fledged alky.
They told me that the bb guns don't really count as guns. I retorted that kingfisher doesn't really count as beer either. But that was not met with such enthusiasm... I think that was my mistake.

So after sharing my insight so far (mostly with those who've never been stateside) I was ousted from the conversations around me a little. After dinner when we were all leaving one of the girls (a graduate student) had called her dad to come pick her up. Apparently she is form Chennai, and still lives at home. I can't believe that she is doing anything other than waiting to be married off.

So here are my observations about the roles of men and women (so far)
Men:
1) Expected to be the breadwinner. I would say bring home the bacon, but I haven't seen a single strip of bacon in this town yet.
2) In General have much more privilege when it comes to education and employment.
3) Because of 2 receive all the blame for mistakes.
4) Not allowed to converse freely with women unless given the "ok" by her father or husband. I shouldn't say, not allowed to converse, but the real question that has sort of been "Why would a man wish to talk to a woman to whom he isn't married?" In fact, "if a man needs to ask a woman a question, why not ask her father or husband?"

Women:
1) Expected to cook and maintain the home. This I guess isn't terribly shocking. Although, I'm looked at as sort of nutty when I say I like to cook. WHAT!? Why would a man want to cook at home? Are you trying to start a restaurant? No! I'm not trying to start a restaurant. I like cooking so that I don't have to eat the crappy food at the canteen for dinner! This shouldn't be so difficult to understand... However, finding a woman to teach me how to cook, this will be much more difficult, argh!

2) Have a lot of social privilege because men don't. Women have their own separate compartment on every train, but can sit with the men if they wish. At one bar around here, Bike and Barrel, Single men are relegated to the second floor. Women may roam freely.

3) Even though women can obtain education and jobs, they are still expected to be married at their fathers' requests. Most women have no say so in their own marriages.


So this all adds up to a bizarre world for me. I don't know if I'm allowed to talk to women or not. I think it's a bit of a crap shoot depending on the woman. I'm certainly not allowed to touch a woman, not a handshake, not a hug, none of that. Unless her father deems it so. But of course, I don't wish to be at the mercy of some woman's father. Basically, my day is filled with lots of men doing men things. I sit and eat with men, I talk with men, I drink tea with men. To make matters worse, Indian music videos show loads of gorgeous Indian women (most of whom I assume are half british) dancing around scantily clad with hunky Indian men. These music videos are shown in bars and restaurants that all completely filled with men and men only. Oh my many many gods the frustration one can feel here...

Now, perhaps the last important point; the thing that strikes me as the strangest here is this. I see lots of guys hanging on their guy friends by putting their arms around their shoulders. I also see young men holding hands just by the pinky or index finger. In my mind, these are clearly homosexual men. In addition, in my American mind, I don't even care a little bit. Gay: fine by me. Not gay: also fine by me. However, here this is clearly not homosexual behavior, as homosexuals are clearly deranged individuals. I can't wrap my mind around that yet.


The overall point I'm trying to make is this:
I'm not here to pick up women, I'm here to do math and to travel and see this part of world. However, living here means that I need to function like a normal human being. What is so difficult for me here is the complete lack of balance. To my narrow American mind it is completely normal and healthy to have friends of both sexes. In fact, in my mind it's ok to hug your friends and even kiss them on the cheek if they are of opposite sex. I know for sure I would be derided as rude in Lebanon if I didn't hug and kiss all those when greeting or saying goodbye. I will offer my apology to south India now and in the face of adversity "boldly" proclaim:

"I like to have female friends. I also like to have male friends. I think it's ok for me to hug my friends regardless of their gender." (also, I think it's ok to drink beer)