Becoming a local goonda

Riding a bicycle around Chennai creates all kinds of troubles that I didn't expect, but in hindsight should already have known better. The biggest issue that I face that I didn't expect is that along the I.T. parkway there is a very nice, very wide, and almost clean bicycle lane. This bike lane is not part of the normal road. There is a barrier separating the parkway from the bike lane. Along the bike lane a little branch streets where institutes and schools and hospitals are located. What's also nice about this bike lane is that there are MANY placards placed into the ground indicating bicycles. It is not a lane for driving. The only acceptable driving in this lane is for private cars going to schools and hospitals. They only need to be in this lane for a matter of 50-100m. Not very far at all. Certainly not far enough to need to run over a bicyclist. Running over bicyclists should be reserved for Adyar signal and the Thiravika Palam (bridge). Of course, I deal with oncoming buses, and 100s of motorcycles coming at me and the normal onslaught of livestock in those places, but the bike lane really,really should be free of all this nonsense. It's right next to a perfect road for the love of god (or the many gods of the hindu pantheon). Well, this being India... No such luck.

Of course I have to deal with rickshaws driving up and down both ways in my nice "calm" bike lane. Of course I have to deal with private taxis and all that shit. The other day there is a particularly narrow little stretch. It's wide enough for two cars if both of them ride with their tires grazing the curb. Fortunately, this narrow stretch is not very long and so it can be traversed rather quickly. While riding on it the other morning a taxi was coming from behind and honking. I moved a little to one side, but not so much that he could just speed by me. I figured he can pass, but he'll have to do it slowly or he'll hit me, or run into the wall. Again, as I have discovered in India I'm ALWAYS WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING! (except for being wrong about being wrong... Damn you metaphysics!) The bastard honked more and more as he approached and roared by me, barely missing me by perhaps 2 inches. I started screaming at him, "This is a BIKE LANE! Bicycles only!" Of course that did no good, he was already gone. He had to slow up ahead and I was racing to catch him to make sure I could tap on his window and yell some more. But he finally pulled away.

It got me thinking though... If I really want the bike lane for bicycles (I guess motorcycles and scooters are acceptable too, since the overall designation is "two-wheelers") then I gotta start taking some action. I think that I should take the following actions:

I should procure a police barricade. Maybe I'll steal it, maybe I'll pay off a police man, maybe I can just buy it from someone else crooked... Any way it's possible I should get one (or two or three, enough to block off my little biking section).
I should give the rickshaw drivers hell! Charge them 100 Rs just to drive their little yellow mosquito taxis on my nice bike lane. Scratch that, 500 Rs per mosquito driver! The private taxis will incur the same wrath.
I'll be making cash hand over fist! I told this plan to some locals and they love it. But immediately, they said that I'd be a local goonda. Oh well, I guess I'd have to start paying off police to protect what should already be protected! But hey, if you want something done, you gotta do it yourself sometimes.

So tonight, I drink to becoming a mafia of one man, working to protect bicyclists in Chennai from stupid ass autowallas!